12 October 2014

October challenge for Lyn Thurman #5 The Emperor

Its difficult to write about the masculinity in your life when all thats present are 2 cats a dog and a bird in your immdiate life that is male...
I thought I'd found my balancing counter-part but apparently I was sorely mistaken, apparently whilst I was busy embracing his creativity and what not, he couldn't be asked to do the same in return for me not once.
Hopefully whoever does eventually become my balance in this world will understand the way balance works not try forcing me to be one or the other when it fits him.

With a lack of male in my life though, I have learnt to embrace that side of me more and that side of me can be a tough cookie at times and damned determined. Another thing i've learnt is when to say yes or no.
For so many years I have put everyone elses needs, feelings and wants ahead of my own and now thats no longer the case, of how doing things for myself and others makes me feel. That may sound kind of selfish but when you've always put others first, its kind of freeing.

The card stands for Master of ones own destiny, and thats very much been the case since i've learnt who and what to prioritise.

October challenge for Lyn Thurman #4 The Empress

Its ever so easy to think what exactly am I greatful for? its not until you force yourself to sit down and write every little thing down that you realise there is actually quite a bit.
Everything from the earth on which we stand, the plants that through photosynthesis create the oxygen we breathe, the sun as well to the more immediate more obvious things like dad passing silently, even though he'd been in so much pain and probably still was we aren't left with a memory of his writhing in pain at the end. Theres so much to be thankful for that makes life worth living even if sometimes we wish it away, or events cause us to wish it away.
I'm thankful ever so deeply to the Goddess and all those higher powers for cupping their hands and catching me as I fell through the abyss. Had I hit the bottom I don't think I would have ever gotten back up again and at times it truly felt like it really wasnt worth it. But, somewhere inside of me I heard their love, their voices, the nurturing guidance they offered and I allowed that part of me to listen, to not worry and just go with whatever the universe threw my way and you know what happened?... all that was bad, negative and toxic left and all that was good, nurturing, and positive seemed to be attracted to me like a magnet and its been like that since the beginning of this year. In fact they seem to attract more and more now.
Nurturingwise I have been guided along a path of healing having been returned to my path but more so on a spiritual path with aspects of the esoteric rather than the other way round. I believe I know what I am being guided toward I've had it confirmed but I need to find my voice again and embrace the fear of doing either good or bad. I think i've recently had something come my way to help, we do after all only see what we are meant to.

3 October 2014

October challenge for Lyn Thurman #3 The High Priestess

The card of intuition - reminds me of the Wizard of Oz and the voice behind the curtain.

In all honesty I am an extremely quiet person, sometimes to the point of shy. Some people think I may have nothing to say. An old neighbour of mine classed me as more of a listerner. The space inside my head on the other hand is something entirely different.
I don't think I actually know what a moments peace feels like unless I'm meditating or baking. Every moment of every day my mind is busy working on stories, thinking about stuff I need to do or have seen, places, people, conversations. Sometimes there is even conversations going on in my head - if I know someone well I can run conversation scenarios. Trust me this isn't as good as it sounds, you worry about a hell of a lot of things but you do learn to trust your intuition like whether you can trust people, how you feel, how people will react to things.

Sometimes we don't want to hear those thoughts and feelings that go through our head, we're not sure where they come from whether its us trying to make sense of things, whether its some higher power. Is it happening for a reason? Is it a warning?

Sometimes I wish my head would shut up but I don't know where I'd be in all the silence.

When it comes to writing I get a vague look about me, I can easily get lost in the conversations and thoughts etc sometimes a little too lost that actually I forget to open my mouth lol.

The last few months I've listened more and trusted more to my intuition, its guided me to positive people, to take courses to grow my learning, I've had no reason to question it this year at all until recently. So instead I followed my intuition down another path to ask someone for advice where I was told to explore, and have fun. So I'm going to trust the first intuitive feeling that this person has come along for a reason whatever that maybe.

And thats what I've learnt, to always trust that initial feeling or thought because its always ALWAYS right.

But funnily enough I always second guess and question when I should just accept and go with it.
This is going to take some work I think.

2 October 2014

October Challenge for Lyn Thurman #2 The Magician

I love this card 'as above so below'. Wherever you look theres magic to be found, things to be learnt and messages abound.
Since the end of last year more and more positivity has entered my life, I've taken numerous courses to set me on my journey, I've picked up my writing and photography again, embraced the universe and whatever comes my way. I've gathered all the tools I need and am starting to put them into practise to live that life I want.
Ever since theres been messages both good and bad, I still get reminded of those people and that place I wish I could easily forget but its hard forgetting so much pain.
The good is usually angellic numbers and feathers or things that just seem to happen at the right time, like a course coming along. Or someone coming into your life.
The right tools always appear when you need them, in the right guise and listening to the universe more and noticing things more often I know I'm heading the right way.
All my card readings done myself and by others including my Tarot teacher say this is the right path, that i have everything I need to pursue it, i just need to swallow my pride and fears and just do it.
Sometimes I get so fiesty I get so close then pull myself back thinking somethings missing from my tool box, whether its complete or not shouldnt matter, I should just do it anyway like i did when i posted my books on wattpad.
I don't know if I'm afraid of success or failure, maybe its a bit of both, i know part is the tax side what with having a job too. I'd rather be loved for being me rather than hated for being the uniform I wear. Thats what I hate about my job, people forget actually beneath that uniform, abiding the rules of their job is a real person who feels exactly the same as you the customer dealing with the same shit that you do. We're not clones of the job, we're just people sticking to rules getting a job done to keep you happy so we can pay bills. Adding other peoples shit to our own is not part of our job! As much as I do love some of the customers I have (the kind sincere ones, the ones who bother to get to know you) a part of me longs for the day I can get out and finally release the inner me on the world and say like me or hate me I just dont give a damn deal with it! I am me not the fucking uniform!
I'd love to say that, unfortunately i have a conscience and i care what people think, and really i shouldnt give a fuck.
So at the end of day 2 this is my conclusion.
If I don't give a fuck in writing which I don't as you can tell, then i'm not going to give a fuck so much any more, and i am going to take what on one hand i am being told is mine and with the other make it fucking happen. I will give and take and with the tools I have be they perfect or not, complete or not.

October challenge for Lyn Thurman #1 The Fool

So this is a day late! It is day 1 of Lyn Thurman's October challenge.
Today is The Fool.

Sometimes journies are chosen. Some are put before us. Others are thrust on us without even the mere consideration of how we feel or what we've been through.
Journies can be fun and amazing like flying a plane watching the world below go about all its journies. They can be dream-like. And they can be so ever so painful that you wish the book on your journey would just close.
My own journey through life has been like this full of bumps, there was a momentary amazingness but that was twisted into the worst possible pain anyone could ever imagine and it came from all sides. And yes, I wished my book would close, I wanted my journey to be over. I wanted it to end. There was nothing about my life that I loved even though there were still people in it supporting me, helping me. I know some wanted to help more than they could and I know some got peeved. I needed to help myself but I felt like everything I loved about this world drained from my heart the moment my heart was broken. Every now and again I'd get small nudges from the universe trying to persuade me that my life was worth living even if thanks to two people I felt it wasn't. That I'd lost everything in one year that meant the world to me.
Pain and suffering seemed like it was a part of me and was coming back to claim me permanently this time.
Then the universe kicked me and even though I tried drowning my sorrows in a litre bottle of orange truffle Baileys at New Year 2013, I continued to live, to wake and face everyday I learnt to take each day as it comes. I learnt to let the universe guide me. I learnt to take the small steps the universe was showing me, the lessons it wanted me to learn, knew the people it wanted in my life and those it didn't because their toxicity and lies, their words no matter how genuine or cruel cut deep and hurt and I was meant to deal with it, push them away and walk the path the universe wanted me.
Living through the negativity of that year has allowed something to blossom within me, I have changed so very much and for the better, I have learnt so much and I have so much to offer the world and finally there is nothing and no-one standing in my way holding me back, making me put them first before my own wants and needs, my own happiness. Instead the world is my oyster and I want that pearl, to learn more, to give more to this world willingly. My journey felt like it was ending but it was just beginning! I'm looking forward to learning what the universe has in store for me as the life I dreamed of slowly takes shape.